Update on my life, my mother's health

This Thursday is my mother's heart surgery; it will take about six hours. Today I read up on what to expect afterwards--what's allowed and not. I called my mother to tell her that for six weeks she cannot drive a car, but can be a passenger. Even more importantly, I told her, she cannot ride a bicycle or a motorcycle. We laughed. She can't do either of those things now, and certainly has no interest in getting on a Harley!

For the last few weeks, I've been stuffed up a bit, and have even felt a heavines in my chest the last week or so, affecting my breathing. I mentioned it on my facebook status, and quite a few people guessed that I was having an anxiety attack. Nope. It's bronchitis, and I'm now on antibiotics and steroids. It's wonderful discovering that things that I'm afraid might be in my head aren't.

Like a few weeks ago, I went to a University's Eye Center since for the last year my eyes have not been working together well, especially when I read. When I was young, I suffered from lazy eye in both eyes, and this was similar, I guess, although I don't remember ever having focussing issues. I went to an opthamologist a number of months back, and he told me I was getting old and need reading glasses, but to put off if I could. Then I went to my optometrist, thinking maybe my contacts weren't settling properly in my eyes when I shifted from looking at soemthing far to something closer, and we really spent almost two months trying out different lenses. But within a few weeks, it was happening again. So, off to the University.

I was diagnosed with Convergence Insufficiency. It means my eyes don't come together. The problem isn't with the eyes, but the muscles around them. I now do computer-based exercises. And if they don't work, I will need surgery. What thrills me about this, is that they may serve as an explanation for the headaches I've been having for the last few years. Not migraines. Not iron-deficient-anemia related (although my iron is low again). But muscle strain. And this means they will go away when my eyes are fixed.

It's not in my head.

So...Wednesday I leave for New York, and my husband will watch the boys for the ten days I am gone. I just hope they all get along well and that everything goes smoothly.

Well, I must go do my exercises tonight, before heading off to never never land.

A ray of light on the horizon

We're beginning to work on a compromise, and an understanding, but we're not all the way there yet.

New Year already at an all-time low

I'm afraid it's all over. And what kills me is that it didn't have to be this way.

I so don't want to put the kids through this again. They've already weathered one divorce and being uprooted and brought to an unknown place. And the truth is, that they've done an admirable job of adapting and even flourishing. It wouldn't be fair to subject them to any of that again.

Without someone to talk to, it's all bottled up inside. It would be nice to be able to speak to him about everything, but conversations aren't productive and snowball into ugly all too often. Much as I want to be able to unload, I cannot speak to anyone close to either one of us, as I don't want to permanently darken anyone's opinion, should we be able to work this out. And so I keep it inside.

The thought crossed my mind of being able to use this blog. Isn't that what it's for? But much as I aim to not reveal identifying details, those who know of this blog through me outnumber any other kind of reader, I imagine. And so, I would give too much away.

I'm about to cry again, and don't want to--not in front of the kids who are playing Guitar Hero in the very same room (one son bought it for another, for his birthday--I am so glad they like each other and enjoy each other's company so much...). Let me go check on the third, who's in another room...

Happy New Year.

Reprint of Lesson No. 7 - Finding Chanukah

This originally ran on December 4, 2007:

Every year, newspapers carry a story on the day of the first evening of Chanukah, announcing to the world that tonight's the night the Jewish people light their menorah. Usually the article recaps the story of the Maccabees, and often carries a quote from someone in the Jewish community about how Chanukah is actually a minor historical holiday (and not as big a deal as marketers and the less enlightened make it out to be).

Underneath it all, the irony often gets lost.

The Greeks wouldn't let the Jews practice their religion, and went so far as to desecrate their Temple.

The Jews had an uprising, and got their defiled synagogue back.

The rest everyone knows: the Temple was a mess, they cleaned it up, they wanted to light the candelabra but found only enough oil to last one day, and miracle of miracles, it lasted eight.

Fast forward a number of thousand years to present day US: families light the menorah, sing a song, eat oily food and give presents, not just a little gelt (coins, these days often of chocolate), but over-the-top presents. There are families who do nothing more Jewish all year besides "celebrate" Chanukah. There are those who may even know about the miracle of the oil, but give no thought as to why we needed to reclaim the temple. They just know it means eight days of presents.

The irony to me is clear: The story of Chanukah, the Maccabeen uprising, represents the fight to preserve Judaism, so that the people could safely and openly believe, pray, be observant, be different.

Modern day Chanukah, however, looks like an attempt to fit in with the rest. It is an attempt to suppress the differences. "But," say the parents, "our child has asked to take a picture with Santa."

So? I see nothing wrong with explaining, "They do what they do and we do what we do. We are all different."

Being different is good. Being different grants you a unique perspective...and identity. Being different is worth fighting over, wouldn't you say?

Lesson No. 19 - How to Grow Good Parents

I believe that children either become parents like their own, or they turn 180 degrees in the opposite direction (as a reaction against).

I draw two conclusions from this:
1. To become a parent who is either like or completely unlike our own, requires conscious effort and learned behaviors.
2. To make sure that our own child's default tendency to mimic what he grew up with actually serves him or her well is all the more reason why it is important for us to do the right thing, behave in a positive way, serve as a good model.

I personally took a lot away from books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, such as How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, for example:

* Let the kids acquire the tools to work it out themselves. Resolving issues helps them how to manage in social situations, negotiate outcomes, etc. as they grow older.
* Let natural consquences occur. If they forgot their lunch at home, don't go to school with it; they'll remember next time.
* Let kids become resilient. Let them know disappointment. When a college professor or a boss criticizes them or their work, they need to know how to deal with it, learn from it, without falling apart. Children who are shielded from sadness or the word "no," will not be in as strong a position as those who understand that it is a natural part of life.

The bottom line is that it is our job to provide our children with the tools they need so that they can function well as adults. One way we can do that is by acquiring the right language, attitude, thought processes now, so that not only can we understand how our actions impact upon our children, but we can modify our own behavior in order to help our children grow into good parents as well.

A few great websites

First one is not only for job hunters, but for freelancers. It's called VisualCV and allows you to post your resume, with added multimedia, online. How cool is that! A friend told me about it.

Sales
Like many others, I try to make some extra money. One place online where I have a few items for sale (a very few) is my CafePress site. Scroll down for some nice notecards... (I know, the pickings are slim--If I ever find time, I'll be more creative and make other stuff, I promise!) In the meantime, if you have any request, please leave a comment here and let me know. I'll make what you want! CafePress is a fun site--you can create things for yourself, or to sell to others, or you can buy from the gazillions of items and designs they have there.

I also try to make some money in another way--as an Associate for Amazon. But that's only through this blog. If someone clicks on the name or picture of a book, and then purchases something from Amazon, I'll earn a very small percentage. So far...I've earned 79 cents! But hey, if you're planning on going to Amazon anyway, please click on a link at the left! I may someday hit the minimum I need for them to actuallly pay me ($10)! (I don't think I've earned anything from the Google ads I allow on the blog.)

Relatively speaking, most lucrative for me in terms of sales is eBay. I've started lately putting things on my own eBay site, and though my latest auctions finished on Tuesday, I'll be putting stuff up in a few more days--a mix of news and used.

Fun shopping
http://www.wishingfish.com/
http://www.delight.com/
http://www.thinkgeek.com/

Please also see another listing of very cool websites that I listed in September.

Do you have any other suggestions?

Current Reading

I'm reading a book which my middle son recommended to me. It's written for teenagers, and I think every teen and every parent should read it. I recognize it's a bit slanted, but the information is still powerful and may impact on behavior and decision-making.

The book is called Chew On This: Everything You Don't Want to Know About Fast Food and is about the fast food industry.

The author starts with the first hamburger place and moves on to the explosive growth of McDonald's. Ray Croc would take helicopter rides to identify good locations near schools. He knew the way to increase growth was to get more children through the door. And he used many means.

There is also a chapter discussing the meatpacking industry and slaughterhouses, and how so much of it changed with the coming of the McNugget.

I'm in the middle of a chapter on obesity. I explained to my son that while the fast food industry may market their products in very pervasive and persuasive ways, it doesn't take away from parental and personal accountability regarding food choices. When children are small, decision-making falls on the parents. When kids are in high school and eating garbage daily, they need to take responsibility.

A must-read. Good for starting meaningful discussions with your family.

It happened again

There I was, sitting in a closet crying, thinking, "What's wrong with this picture?"

We each see things from our own perspective, and they obviously don't mesh.

We may not hear what the other is trying to say, but I certainly heard words I didn't want to. Again.

I'm too drained to deal with this now...

No life lessons here today, except for think before you speak. Make sense, not hurt. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

The meaning of life

I have no idea.

I used to think it had to do with leaving a legacy--which could be done through life-impacting career, a meaningful body of work, the arts, or your children--something to leave behind you, so that you would be remembered.

But perhaps not. Perhaps the meaning of life has only to do with being a good person and doing the right thing.

At the same time, one needs to be fulfilled. Knowing I'm doing a good job raising three good kids, three boys, whom I believe will function well in life and be able to deal with whatever is thrown at them, is good. But it's not enough. I need satisfaction that comes with getting paid well (being recognized) for doing a good job. (Funny when it comes to work, how men typically associate self worth with payscale and women with job satisfaction. I want to get paid well and have a senior position, dammit!)

But is fulfillment more of a question of self-worth than of the meaning of life? I think so. So what's the meaning of life? What gives your life meaning?

...You know...if you can't answer the question, you can just change the questions and ask something else instead!

Warm and fuzzy?

Feeling warm and fuzzy? Want to connect to someone else?

If you think so, you can buy these notecards in my fairly empty "store."

Yes, I should be doing real work now, instead of playing around.

Or actually, instead of heading home!

Good night.

What's next?

Two days after the elections, and I've debated putting in my two cents on the candidates or on my process of reaching a decision (which took me until the very end to do). But I think not. Not sure if delineating the weaknesses I saw in each of the candidates and parties would be productive in any way.

What is truly commendable is the amount of people who voted. I haven't seen statistics yet, of what percentage of the population. But this election brought out so many first-time voters of all ages, engaged so many in the political process, and that is certainly a good thing.

An interesting sidenote to this election--so many people wanted momentos of this historic election, that many newspapers sold out, and some were even forced to reprint. Boy, I can imagine how happy the advertisers for yesterday's issues are! In this day and age, when so many newspapers are cutting staff, reducing their page count, breaking their relationships with the AP, it was nice to have a day of increased paper circulation.

Hurtful words

What can you do when they're flung at you? And in front of your children no less?

Stuff they shouldn't hear. Stuff I'm embarrassed to ever repeat.


Hurtful words lead to doubts: Have I made a mistake? Am I hurting the children?

Hurtful words lead to conflict: How do you deal with things you should not reveal to others? Especially when you don't want to keep them inside?

Easy and inexpensive sleepover

This weekend my just-turned nine year old had a sleepover party. We survived. No one got hurt. Nothing got damaged. The budget wasn't broken. Everyone had a great time. My middle son helped out a lot, the oldest one a little after coming back from watching his High School football game. Although it was rainy outside, and we were restricted to staying indoors, there was no rough-housing and it worked out really well.

So what did we do?

Used evites for the invitations. Since we were not inviting the entire class, we couldn't distribute invitations in class anyway. $0

The kids were asked to bring a sleeping bag, a pillow, and labelled hand-held electronic games. We invited seven, but only four could come.

We had pizza for dinner (where I live, when you show your PTA membership card at Papa John's, there's a buy one 14", get one deal, no matter how many pies you order). So I picked up the pizza on my way home from work, and kept warm in the oven. We ordered six, two too many, but this way the family has leftovers. The kids each had two or three slices; so did I. :-) $41-ish, but had I ordered only four (which was all I really needed to feed them and my family), it would've been $27-ish.

Gave the kids water bottles; made customized labels, with their names on it. $3 for the water?

Kids came at 6:30pm. After dinner, we had cake (I made it from a box, I admit). With frosting, let's say $2.50.

Then the kids watched a movie, Alvin and the Chipmunks. (We rented two DVDs from Blockbuster, so that's what, about $8?).

I made a few bags of store-brand microwave popcorn. Let's say another $2 or $3

Then we opened presents and then made T-shirts. I bought a package of "6-for-the-price-of-5" undershirts and printed out a bunch of coloring pages so the kids would have outlines of things they would like. Sometimes it's hard to come up with (and execute) ideas on your own. I cut up a box so that we could tape the chosen coloring page to the cardboard, and insert inside of the undershirt. This way, the boys could see the outline, they'd have a hard surface to write on and the markers wouldn't go through the shirt. We used Sharpies we had in the house. About $6.50 for the shirts.

Then we ate fun ice cream pops (based on candy bars). Maybe $2.50 (yes, I use coupons and sales whenever I can.)

Then the kids played Wii, their hand-helds and old-fashioned Twister. Then I had the kids brush teeth and get into pjs and get into their sleeping bags for a "midnight showing" of Ratatouille. All the guests were asleep by the end of the movie.

The next morning, I made chocolate chip muffins ($2 ish?) and they put away their stuff and played Wii and hand-helds some more until their 10:30am pickup.

Throw in another $4-5 for chocolate milk and soda.

The kids' time was structured for the most part and they loved the t-shirt (except for those who had to dress differently for where they were going next, they all wore their new t-shirts).

The fact that there were not a large number of boys, the time was structured, and my older sons helped out made it all a good experience.

The whole thing came to about $60 (using the lower figure for the pizza). One boy told me it was the best party he'd ever been to. My own son said it was much better than his last two parties. Both of those were with his class and other friends in a public park (free), with an arts and crafts activity (under $20 for everything, thanks to what's in the house and/or dollar store), cupcakes ($3 ish, made from mix), other nosh and drinks (another $10-15?), playground and outdoor toys we brought.

No book today

Not sure if there's any point in blogging when no one reads my blog. I used to think I'd focus on the lessons I've learned in life, and that the columns would, collectively, become the basis for a book, and so it wouldn't matter if I had readers or not. Truth is, I'd like someone to read, give me feedback...but even worse, too many of my entries are not the kinds of lessons I had in mind (so where's the book?).

Today's no exception.

In other areas, my mother's still waiting for the angio. The HMO needs to approve procedures done out-of-network. I guess they haven't done it yet.

And I had an idea for my youngest son's Bar Mitzvah party--four years away! I know I'd like to have a comedian, and not a DJ-&-dancing party. A cross between a stand-up and "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

I figured out the perfect party favor. While my mother thinks it's a great idea, my husband says, "No way!"

Are you ready?

To remind you, the focus is comedy; my youngest is a born comedian, his timing is impeccable. He knows how to play an audience. I keep thinking he may grow up to be a stand-up comic, a used car salesman or a defense lawyer.

Anyway, back to my brilliant idea: How about custom imprinted whoopie cushions that say, "I had a blast at [name]'s Bar Mitzvah!" Even funnier, we'd put them out--inflated--on everyone's chair!

Inappropriate, but funny as hell, no?

Postponed

My mother's angiogram didn't take place yesterday, but will this coming Friday. Something to do with paperwork. Yes, she has an HMO, but it will cover everything, and with the best doctors, at Columbia-Presbyterian. So don't believe everything you hear about HMOs! The paperwork for the heart surgery actually went through first, but that won't be scheduled until after the angio, which will be performed by a Dr. Warren Sherman. The actual heart surgery will be performed by Dr. Mehmet Oz. Two people have asked me to get his autograph (he frequently appears on Oprah and elsewhere)!

She's on eight different medications and under orders to take it easy. And, best of all, she finally quit smoking! Yesterday was a week, and I am so glad...we all are.

So...I'm here for another week at least...and have a big proposal to finish for Australian brokers. In fact, that's what I should be working on now!

I'm also trying to figure out ways to earn extra money. I've got a small "shop" set up on Cafe Press, but none of the items are terribly in demand. I've got to become more creative. I thought about trying to sell stuff online and am even testing the idea out by selling something in the Facebook Marketplace (I've even got a buyer for one item I placed there). But it makes more sense moving forward to use ebay. First I need to figure out what stuff to sell. As I go through a room, I look to see what sits unused and unwanted. These items may as well make someone else happy!

A few days later

It's been a scary few days, but my mother is now stable, and even was released from the hospital today. And, hard as it is for her, she must take it easy.

She now faces heart surgery. Sounds like one valve must be replaced (I think the aortic, the one with calcification) and another either repaired or replaced (the mitral valve, the one which was repaired 34 years ago in Open Heart Surgery). They'll know more when they do the cardiac catherization. In addition, she has pulmonary hypertension and apparently emphysema...

Later this week, she will be admitted, and if testing and assessment go well, surgery will be scheduled for a few days after that. I'll probably be flying up Sunday. I'd like to talk her into coming down South to recuperate at our home.

On another topic, given the financial problems this county (and many other countries) are going though right now, apparently the government is thinking of distributing a new dollar bill.

Fear

The moment my father called tonight, I knew that something was wrong. My mother was in the hospital with congestive heart failure. She'd had difficulty breathing and there was fluid in her lungs.

I called my brother. He called my cousin the cardiologist, who spoke with the ER doctor.

She's apparently stable now and is being kept in the ER overnight. Some of the tests came back, and the doctors decided that tomorrow they'll move her to the Progressive Care Unit (PCU)/Telemetry Unit, which is less intensive than an ICU. Taken with the fact that she's got some color back and is not on a respirator, I must take this as a good sign.

My brother is flying up tomorrow morning. My cousin will go on Sunday and hope they let him see the chart. (Actually, he said, a patient can request to see his/her own chart...and then show it to someone else.) Once she's in the PCU, I will send flowers. I feel very badly that I am not flying up, but I just can't, for a number of reasons. I think my mother will understand and, in fact, will even protest that my brother's come up (she's already telling my father that he doesn't need to call everyone--one sister was called and came to the hospital. The one in Florida will be called tomorrow, as will her brother).

At any rate, I want my mother to feel that we are there with her, even if we cannot be. Flowers. Not sure how else. I should have the kids call and speak to her too, once she's settled in a room. Any suggestions?

And can anyone please put my mother in his/her thoughts for a refuah shlemah, a complete recovery? Thank you so much.

On the candidates, sort of

My shirt says it all. If you agree (or even if you don't!), please vote for my shirt in CafePress' contest. Thank you!

Vote here, but if you want to buy it, please go here.

Some very cool websites

www.diybookbinding.com/do-it-yourself-book-binding Bind your own books (hoping to try soon)
www.vrbo.com Book an inexpensive vacation (a coworker's used them and was happy)
Recipezaar (people write in with what they've changed and how it worked; you can save everything in your own online cookbook)
Freerice (enrich your vocabulary while helping to feed those who need it most)
Type in Hebrew on an English keyboard
Learn Shabbat prayers (for those who don't know at all)
www.cafepress.com make stuff to sell; print-on-demand

Do you have any other cool websites to share? Please leave a comment if you do.

Thanks!תודה רבה

Lesson No. 18 - Thinking with a ראש גדול (Rosh Gadol, Hebrew for big head)

There is a great concept in Hebrew of "small head" (ראש קטן) and "big head" (ראש גדול). (I went into that to some extent in Lesson No. 4 - Better wise than a wiseguy), but I'd like to revisit today.

The idea is that when you have a Rosh Katan, you don't look at the larger picture. I've come across the concept most often in workplaces, and it kills me. It's like people who should be thinking of the impact their actions or lack of actions have on the company instead focus on the impact on themselves or their department. But sometimes departments need to cooperate and work together to accomplish something more. Sadly, many companies don't facilitate the cross-communication that is required, instead even encouraging the continuation of fiefdoms...

Another way Rosh Katan continues to fester is when upper management doesn't invite suggestions from either those "down in the trenches" or from the clients. I once worked at a magazine which had the editor, publisher and marketing manager (me) meeting weekly...but they didn't include the receptionist -- the person who spoke with every subscriber who called. She heard their complaints and their thoughts, and she represented the magazine to them. Considering that more and more weren't renewing their subscriptions at the time, I thought it great folly. By including her in the weekly meetings, she felt more useful to the organization as a whole. And when people feel their input is welcome, they are more likely to think, to suggest, to improve...and to have increased morale, which in turn, increases productivity.

But when you have people in upper management who don't put out a welcome mat or a suggestion box, they can't even know what they're missing. People in different departments, from customer service to manufacturing to graphic design, often see first-hand how something can be done better or more efficiently, what works and what doesn't work, how to save money, etc., but if their input isn't asked for, it often won't come. I've worked for managers who have listened to my suggestions and agreed with them, but were not willing to take it further up, either out of what they saw as a corporate culture of departments not working with each other, or because they didn't want to rock the boat with those further up the line.

Now, to be fair, it's not always that input from the masses isn't wanted...it's may be that it just never occurred to upper management that others may have something to contribute to the discussion. This, of course, is aggravated when egos, territoriality and bonuses are on the line. And it's a pity, because this Rosh Katan squashes those who do have Rosh Gadol, with initiative and desire to help out the organization as a whole. There's no way around it -- it must be demoralizing to come to work day after day, knowing that something could be done in a better way, and not having the opportunity to do anything about it.