Lesson No. 9 - Thinking Before Speaking

This is essentially a recap of Lesson No. 6 - Catching Flies. One ought to speak nicely to others.

I can't understand for the life of me why some people think that their inability to control their tongue is something others ought to understand, allow, excuse.

There is absolutely no excuse for cursing at others, name-calling, etc.

And there is absolutely no reason why someone who hasn't the self-control to watch his/her mouth should think that he/she doesn't have to apologize.

At the same time, apologies are not sufficient.

Only a concentrated effort to exert self control is. Do what ever you need to do--count to ten, walk away, put it on paper, but DON'T open your mouth if you can't control what comes out of it.

(Okay, can you tell I'm angry right now with someone I love?)

Is there anybody out there?

I just found out a friend of mine has read this blog (Yeah!!!). Has anyone else? (Please leave a comment if you have!)

I remember thinking about this when I was in college--about how I wanted to know how others saw me (okay, here I want to know if others read me...). I thought it would help me "see" myself. This came from something I learned in a philosophy class. We discussed how you see things differently from different angles. We used the example of a table in a room, with windows on one side. The color of the table (due to shadow and light), the length of the table, etc.--all this could appear differently depending on where you stood in the room. At the same time, there was a common "core" that they all saw. I wanted to know what my core was, at least to others.

Let's not forget the story about The Blind Men and the Elephant (or an equally great episode of All in the Family), both of which show how people can disagree about the same exact thing, based upon individual perspective, experience, thought patterns and even personal bias.

The summer after college, my friend Amy and I were each in Israel. We decided to go to Greece together for a few weeks, and took a cruise ship out of Haifa (cheapie tickets--we slept on the deck!). At the port in Haifa, we met these two guys and decided to travel together, at least to Athens and Mykonos. One day we went to an art gallery, and one of the guys was curious to see which pieces of art I liked and why. He never told me what conclusions he drew from the choices I made, but I always wanted to know. Insecurity? Perhaps. Sort of like with the "Slam Books" we used to make in 6th grade, where we'd ask kids to sign in (with a code name) and answer all kinds of opinion questions about classmates and whatever. I used to think that knowing others' opinons of me would give me a firmer grasp on knowing myself.

There was also an episode of Fantasy Island, it might have been the pilot, where the need to know others' thoughts was carried out to an extreme. Someone wanted to stage and then attend her own funeral (in disguise) to find out what people had to say about her. I remember she dressed up as a hotel maid, but can't remember if she was surprised or not at what they had to say. Still, the idea is very intriguing.

Anyway, if you're out there...please let me know! Thanks!

Lesson No. 8 - Successful (or unsuccessful!) time management skills go hand-in-hand with abilities to plan and execute

I see this at work and in my private life.

Brokers working on proposals who utilize our "RFP Desk" may allocate the work into who-does-which-section (the first step to putting together a reinsurance proposal), but they do not allow for enough time for the rounds of review and execution that follow (that's when we pass the proposal back and forth). Nor do the brokers manage their team members' time adequately (or even seem to follow up with them to see if they're on schedule), so that no one meets deadlines. This "snowball" gets bigger and bigger. End result? I'm usually working until the wee hours of the night in order to keep them to their (revised) schedule.

In real life, I simply don't have enough hours in the day. We all know the solutions--multitask, delegate, and take less on, but it's not always easy. So I take the path of least resistance--not always executing the lesser important planned items and skipping on sleep.

I find myself suffering from killer headaches and swollen glands once in a while, as well as occasional bouts of incredible sleepiness when I'm driving. Probably connected to the way I handle obligations in life and sleep. Scary, unsafe, and not smart, I know...

So, on that note, let me get back to finishing up bill paying and newspaper reading. I'll skip coupon clipping this evening! :-)

Yes, I've got to better organize my time. Hmmmm, maybe I can do that next week!

Lesson No. 7 - Make a list; check it twice

No, this has nothing to do with Christmas, but everything to do with planning and executing anything in life.

Say, for instance, you're planning a cruise out of Miami and you're flying down to Florida several days before. Make sure you have your passports together with the tickets, before you leave for the airport, and not when you get to the pier.

That's today's lesson...

By the way, the two corollaries to this lesson are "Don't cry over spilt milk," and "When you're given lemons in life, make lemonade."

Finding Chanukah

Every year, newspapers carry a story on the day of the first evening of Chanukah, announcing to the world that tonight's the night the Jewish people light their menorah. Usually the article recaps the story of the Maccabees, and often carries a quote from someone in the Jewish community about how Chanukah is actually a minor historical holiday (and not as big a deal as marketers and the less enlightened make it out to be).

Underneath it all, the irony often gets lost.

The Greeks wouldn't let the Jews practice their religion, and went so far as to desecrate their Temple.

The Jews had an uprising, and got their defiled synagogue back.

The rest everyone knows: the Temple was a mess, they cleaned it up, they wanted to light the candelabra but found only enough oil to last one day, and miracle of miracles, it lasted eight.

Fast forward a number of thousand years to present day US: families light the menorah, sing a song, eat oily food and give presents, not just a little gelt (coins, these days often of chocolate), but over-the-top presents. There are families who do nothing more Jewish all year besides "celebrate" Chanukah. There are those who may even know about the miracle of the oil, but give no thought as to why we needed to reclaim the temple. They just know it means eight days of presents.

The irony to me is clear: The story of Chanukah, the Maccabeen uprising, represents the fight to preserve Judaism, so that the people could safely and openly believe, pray, be observant, be different.

Modern day Chanukah, however, looks like an attempt to fit in with the rest. It is an attempt to suppress the differences. "But," say the parents, "our child has asked to take a picture with Santa."

So? I see nothing wrong with explaining, "They do what they do and we do what we do. We are all different."

Being different is good. Being different grants you a unique perspective...and identity. Being different is worth fighting over, wouldn't you say?

"Reality television" and reality

I'm watching Kid Nation.

I cannot get over how spoiled Taylor is. Week after week, her attitude gets worse and worse. I googled Taylor, Kid Nation, and parents, and I see many share the same sentiment--how did her parents raise such a spoiled child? How can they live with her? with themselves? But I think even more disturbing is what must be happening every time it airs. How could she allow herself to behave this way on national television? Didn't she realize that her behavior in that artificial town would have repercussions in the real world? I can't help wonder what her schoolmates think of her or how they behave towards her.

Kid Nation was advertised as a reality show where children, unhampered by adult interference, would build a new society, a grand social experiment. The very structure of the show negates that--adult producers and cameramen follow them around, and they do not choose what to do to create their better society, but do whatever the artificial journal tells them to do, living in artificially color-coded groups, led by an appointed town council (which changes hands when the visiting adult or the journal tells them to have elections) and participating in artificial showdowns. Winning groups are put into different set jobs and their salaries, too, are predetermined. Rewards--when the entire town reaches a specific goal during a showdown--are choices which pit "what's good for you" against "short-lived fun." In short, they have "prompts" for their actions or for each espisode's "theme." I see very little initiative or original thought on the part of the kids.

This week, the council chose the fun reward, and the kids became video gaming addicts, ignoring their job responsibilities (hmmm, that could be like the real world). Taylor, deprived of access to the arcade, due to her prior decision not to pull her share of the work, actually makes up for it, by doing an enormous pile of dishes (in very dirty water).

Anyway, I enjoy the show. Kids can say the darndest things. And it's not that I need this unscripted "reality" show to have anything to do with reality. But all I can think of every time I watch is--what was Taylor thinking when she behaved so horribly? How forgetful or unintelligent she must be. After all, this would be aired on national television after she had left "Bonanza City" and returned to her home and to her school. What must she and her family be going through every time another episode is aired?! (Do the kids at school pick on her? Do the neighbors gossip? Do the relatives now hang their heads?)

I was once at a Sinead O'Connor concert and a girl in the audience had a foul word shaved into her nearly bald head--and all I could think of back then was--how can you visit your grandmother or have a job interview looking like that??

The only lesson I can draw here is similar to the one parents used to say about wearing clean underwear (that is, do it in case you're in an accident and a doctor sees). The lesson is always behave as if you're on tv and the world can scrutinize you! (And in this day and age, the same goes for what you post online--potential employers, spouses, in-laws may see it, you know!

Apropos for Thanksgiving

Two ways we can do good.

(1) I just tried a free online game called Free Rice. Its premise is simple: You answer quick, multiple-choice questions (which build your vocabulary), and for every correct answer, the site donates ten grains of rice to combat world hunger. Encourages brain power while performing a mitzvah (good deed). It's addictive, I've tried it.

So who pays for the rice? Advertisers, such as Macy's, iTunes, Toshiba and more. The site itself is a non-profit. 100% is donated. Win-win all around.

2) Another way to painlessly help is through GoodSearch. This search engine donates 50% of ad revenue to the non-profit or school of your choosing (about a penny a search). It's powered by Yahoo and you can add it to your toolbar. Once you type in the name of your charity (if it's already in their database), you have the option of seeing the totals it's earned to date. Powerful way to see how collectively we can make a difference. The charity is "remembered" the next time you use the tool, so you need not re-type each time. Mine is currently set to Hadassah: The Women's Zionist Organization of America.

This time of year, we are especially cognizant of how fortunate we are. It is a time to be thankful for what we have...and, at the same time, shouldn't it also be a time for us to avail ourselves of opportunites to help others?

On that note, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving!

Something worth reading

There's a book which I've found very useful in understanding the ways that men and women communicate differently: You Just Don't Understand.

Really a great book. The linguistics professor who wrote it, Dr. Deborah Tannen, studied the differences between men and women. Our language and our behaviors are related. Women's preferences for consensus and men's for competition & one-upping come out in how we speak to others. The book explains a lot. Doesn't excuse it, but helps one make sense of the other gender's approach to all kinds of situations.

p.s. This entry is not a follow-up to the last one. Taking out your issues on others has nothing to do with gender, but with a lack of self-control.

Lesson No. 6 - Catching Flies

A message can get lost when the delivery gets in the way.

I've seen adults - who I think should know better - speak rudely to others, usually those close to them, when they are dissatisfied or when they would like for the other's behavior to change.

It ain't gonna happen. And not only because it's not in our power to change other people.

No one can listen when he or she has first has to hear insults, disrespectful words, or sarcasm. I know when I am being hurt, I shut my ears and tune out anything that follows. All I can hear are the insults, the mean words.

My ex- used to begin sentences with "The problem with you is..." or he'd ask "Why don't you ever...?" UGH. These kind of statements would never make me want to change anything (except the husband!). Accusations and generalizations alienate the listener. It's like yelling at an infant to stop crying. It's more of a way for you to vent your frustration than to help the other achieve your goal for him or her.

Good intent may exist, but it gets lost in the way the message is conveyed. Your word choice may even be fine, but use the wrong tone of voice, and everything is lost...We don't need to honeycoat our words, but we certainly cannot use vinegar, if we want people to hear what we want them to know.

People who utilize hurtful words (or adults who yell at children) are those who have no control over themselves or over the situation at hand. That's all there is to it. Yes, they may be in their own pain or they may be frustrated or angry at something. But taking it out on others will not help the situation; it will not achieve the desired changed behavior.

I can't imagine anyone would ever willingly hand over control to someone who is rude or disrespectful. Those that give in, though, likely do so out of fear of repercussions or because they've just given up. There is no winning here. One who utilizes hurt or threats when trying to control another does not gain respect; he or she loses it.

I think respect is key. Would you talk to a boss, a co-worker, a clerk in a store in the same manner as you speak to a family member or a subordinate? Would you speak to someone else's assistant, spouse or child in the same way you speak to your own? Don't the ones you love and the ones who answer to you merit the same respect you show others?

One of the other lessons I learned from my failed marriage is that spouses are partners (and not competitors). They're on the same team and should share the same goals and the same desire to see each other - and their marriage - succeed. This requires thinking before speaking. It requires thinking not only about one's own self, but about your partner/siblings/children/subordinates, and of the effect your words have on them.

Lesson No. 5 - Continued

We've already established that expectations need to be made clear in order for them to be met. For the sake of clarity, I'm revisiting the topic...

"Clear expectations" means as part of my responsibilities as education chair of organization X, I need to be told that I should open each board meeting with an tidbit from which we can draw a lesson. It is wrong to make the assumption that I already know this if I've never held the position before.

It also means as parent/part-time taxi driver in the family, I need to be asked (nicely, please!) to drive whichever son to school early, after he's stated a desire/need to go in before the first bell rings. It is a mistake to assume that I'm available. (Is this a good time to remind that a thank you afterwards would be nice?)

And it means as a proposal designer/editor of sorts (where the broker team and I hand off the proposal during the process of putting it together), I need to be kept informed, not only as to the team's progress, but also as to what and when I should next expect to see an updated version of the document. It is unwise (and uncourteous) to proceed as if those whom you need in order to complete your work have no other projects going on.

These examples all point to the folly, not only when you assume (yes, we all know all about that word) facts which may not be true, but also when you don't think about things from start to finish (as I mentioned in my last entry). This is essential, especially if you are delegating, working with others (paid or volunteer), or even asking someone for a favor.

Let 'em know what they need to know in order to decide if they want to do it. And let 'em know what they need to know so that they can get the job done.

The examples also point to another downside of poor communications - disrespect. When you misuse another's time, whether intentionally or not, you are not respecting the value of his or her time. And when others wind up wasting time in trying to complete a task for you, their desire to help out "next time" will undoubtedly be diminished.

It boils down to Hillel's golden rule, "Do not do unto others as you would not have them do unto you." Think about how you would want to be treated.

My mother taught me, "Be nice." I'd like to add, "Be clear."

Lesson No. 5 - Huh?

I'm touching on something very basic today, and may return another day to go more into depth.

When managers, parents, presidents and other leaders express expectations clearly, chances for success increase dramatically. When they don't, not only do goals go unmet, but team, family, and organization members are often left frustrated...frustrated not only at the leaders, but at themselves for not being able to accomplish whatever the leader had envisioned.

Most people want to succeed. But poorly communicated instructions, expectations, explanations make it difficult.

A document from a company's recent Request for Proposal (RFP) that I worked on was very specific in what it wanted. At the same time, the wording was not very clear. This made me nervous. We had to be sure to give them what they wanted. (The team declined to ask for clarification or guidance. Interestingly enough, since answers to questions would be shared, we also know that none of our competition asked anything either.)

I can think of examples -- from family life or from the organizations I volunteer with -- where communications weren't clear enough. Inevitably, this led to dissatisfaction on all sides. When has this happened to you?

Just as when we are asked to do something and we want to know exactly what, when we ask others to do something for us, whether professionally or personally, we need to choose our words carefully. Even more importantly, perhaps, we need to think in a thorough manner, thnking everything through from start to finish, to make sure all aspects are covered and that there is no room for misunderstanding. It is always helpful to put yourself in your reader's or listener's place.

And of course, it's always a good thing to convey that you are happy to clarify, should the need arise.

Questions, anyone?

Lesson No. 4 - Better Wise than a Wiseguy

Okay, so I'm watching House right now. The doctors vying for a spot on his team are very competitive, trying both to be right and to impress House. House himself is competing with another doctor to diagnose a CIA agent. But he doesn't consider himself to be competing. He's pompous, though, because he considers himself right. All the time.

In Hebrew there's a saying, "על תהיה צודק - תהיה חכם"

Don't be right, be smart. Know-it-alls don't always know everything.

House and his cohorts experience this over and over, but don't learn at all.

But we can. We just need to think larger - think about the goal at hand and not about what we get out of it. It's related to another Hebrew phrase, ראש גדול , literally, big head. It means thinking with with a larger view. The opposite, ראש קטן, small head, thinks with blinders on. Doesn't want to think about the impact his or her actions has on others, and how to advance the larger goal at hand...

In this context (and in this one only!), I can say I'd much rather have a big head! I enjoy trying to advance my goals of the company I work for, the organizations I volunteer with, as well as the goals of people I know. When I read something that I think someone else will find interesting or relevant, I forward it to them. Unlike the Mafia, I'm not trying to cultivate future favors. I just enjoy being helpful.

I think it's better to be wise than to be a wiseguy, don't you?

Unexpected recap

Yesterday afternoon I attended a concert of Jewish singers meant to celebrate synagogue life. The theater was packed and the sense of spirit unmistakeable. Interspersed among the different singers were video clips of local people speaking about what being Jewish meant to them or what going to synagogue meant to them. Often the word "community" came up.

My friend and I enjoyed the music. (Joshua Nelson 's Jewish gospel music was especially invigorating!) but I couldn't see how this -- or any -- single event could bring people into synagogue more often. The palpable connection we all felt in the theater existed, if only because as members of the larger Jewish community, we are de facto connected (it didn't hurt that most of the music was very contagious). But this is not the same as building up a strong sense of connection and community, as I discussed in my second entry.

I just thought it funny that I attended a synagogue-community-related event within a day or so of me posting about connecting to a community, within the context of my synagogue...

Lesson No. 3 - Timeliness is next to...

Being late on the carpool pick up line from Hebrew School throws everything off for the rest of the day!

This is somehow related to "The more kids you have in scheduled activities, the more you feel like a taxi driver," and "The more you are in a rush, the more red lights you will encounter."

Lesson No. 2 - Connectivity

All day today, I've been trying to decide what I would write about for this evening's entry--Which lesson would I focus on? Well, I've learned that people are truly motivated by self-interest. Would that be it? Or how about how we cannot change others? Or what about how we should never let ourselves be bogged down by anger?

All great topics, and I think I can write intellingently and movingly about any of them. But I can't say that I really want to write about any of them right now.

This morning, I'd taken my two youngest sons to synagogue, and I hoped that I'd be inspired by the Rabbi's sermon...but no, I didn't even get to hear it, since I was helping out in the kitchen instead.

At lunch, though, I stumbled across something that counts as a lesson, but didn't realize it until now...It has to do with our need to be connected. At shul after services, a family I hadn't met before joined the boys and myself as we enjoyed our kiddush luncheon (and what a great pasta salad today!). The family was "shul shopping," and are in the midst of trying out several synagogues to see which they wanted to join.

I told the woman that I see our synagogue as having an especially involved congregation. Part of that might stem from the fact that we do not have a cantor (someone who sings the prayers). Instead, we have a large number of people in the congregation who step up to lead different prayers. (As well, we happen to have a Rabbi who has a very nice singing voice.) But the other reason is that the members of our synagogue are involved, they are connected. For example, there is a regular group who helps out in the kitchen, there are volunteer parents who lead the younger children's services, and there is a large turnout each week, helped, I'm sure, by the kiddush luncheon itself. But that's okay--this meal gives us each a chance to meet and connect with others in our community.

And that fills a need that I believe we all have. America is very large. Families are often spread far apart. We don't always know our neighbors. And as we read in the papers, those students who spray their classmates and faculty with bullets are never emotionally connected to their educational community. Connections are hard to come by, but they are essential. Being a part of something adds to our sense of identity. And living in a community, I think, implies an obligation towards that community. I know that when I feel responsible towards others in terms of the actions I take, I am more circumspect about those actions. And in this world, where too many people are motivated by self-gratification and nothing more, motivation due to obligation is, I think, a wonderful thing.

My lesson for today has to do with belonging to a community where we can contribute and connect. It is important and worth the time and effort involved. It is important for us, for our sense of self-worth and of self-respect. It is also important to us, due to our need to be connected, noticed, appreciated, wanted, and needed. As well, belonging to a community is important for the community itself, for without the time and effort put forth by its members, the community itself cannot be maintained.

New Beginnings - Don't sweat the small stuff

My first blog. Let's start with one of the lessons I learned while living in Israel: Don't sweat the small stuff. I think part of gaining that understanding had to do with the fact that I was living in a country where there really were very big things to worry about.

I've found this perspective especially useful in raising sons. I've actually been very fortunate (and so are they) in that they get along. They really like each other. But on those rare occasions where there is an argument, I don't butt in. Part of that is based on not sweating the small stuff. If there is no blood, no one being hurt, then I don't think I need to get overheated about it. An even bigger part of that actually has to do with my parenting philosophy, mostly based on Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's books, such as How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (Let the kids acquire the tools to work it out themselves. They'll need to know how to manage in social situations, negotiate outcomes, etc. as they grow older).

But I digress. I'll leave that for another entry.