It happened again

There I was, sitting in a closet crying, thinking, "What's wrong with this picture?"

We each see things from our own perspective, and they obviously don't mesh.

We may not hear what the other is trying to say, but I certainly heard words I didn't want to. Again.

I'm too drained to deal with this now...

No life lessons here today, except for think before you speak. Make sense, not hurt. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Lesson No. 18 - Thinking with a ראש גדול (Rosh Gadol, Hebrew for big head)

There is a great concept in Hebrew of "small head" (ראש קטן) and "big head" (ראש גדול). (I went into that to some extent in Lesson No. 4 - Better wise than a wiseguy), but I'd like to revisit today.

The idea is that when you have a Rosh Katan, you don't look at the larger picture. I've come across the concept most often in workplaces, and it kills me. It's like people who should be thinking of the impact their actions or lack of actions have on the company instead focus on the impact on themselves or their department. But sometimes departments need to cooperate and work together to accomplish something more. Sadly, many companies don't facilitate the cross-communication that is required, instead even encouraging the continuation of fiefdoms...

Another way Rosh Katan continues to fester is when upper management doesn't invite suggestions from either those "down in the trenches" or from the clients. I once worked at a magazine which had the editor, publisher and marketing manager (me) meeting weekly...but they didn't include the receptionist -- the person who spoke with every subscriber who called. She heard their complaints and their thoughts, and she represented the magazine to them. Considering that more and more weren't renewing their subscriptions at the time, I thought it great folly. By including her in the weekly meetings, she felt more useful to the organization as a whole. And when people feel their input is welcome, they are more likely to think, to suggest, to improve...and to have increased morale, which in turn, increases productivity.

But when you have people in upper management who don't put out a welcome mat or a suggestion box, they can't even know what they're missing. People in different departments, from customer service to manufacturing to graphic design, often see first-hand how something can be done better or more efficiently, what works and what doesn't work, how to save money, etc., but if their input isn't asked for, it often won't come. I've worked for managers who have listened to my suggestions and agreed with them, but were not willing to take it further up, either out of what they saw as a corporate culture of departments not working with each other, or because they didn't want to rock the boat with those further up the line.

Now, to be fair, it's not always that input from the masses isn't wanted...it's may be that it just never occurred to upper management that others may have something to contribute to the discussion. This, of course, is aggravated when egos, territoriality and bonuses are on the line. And it's a pity, because this Rosh Katan squashes those who do have Rosh Gadol, with initiative and desire to help out the organization as a whole. There's no way around it -- it must be demoralizing to come to work day after day, knowing that something could be done in a better way, and not having the opportunity to do anything about it.

Rules of behavior

1. No cursing
2. No name-calling
3. No denigrating
4. No yelling about irrelevant issues; talk calmly to the point
5. No throwing bowls of soup across the kitchen
6. Not in front of the children

That's all I can say right now...

Lesson No. 9 - Thinking Before Speaking

This is essentially a recap of Lesson No. 6 - Catching Flies. One ought to speak nicely to others.

I can't understand for the life of me why some people think that their inability to control their tongue is something others ought to understand, allow, excuse.

There is absolutely no excuse for cursing at others, name-calling, etc.

And there is absolutely no reason why someone who hasn't the self-control to watch his/her mouth should think that he/she doesn't have to apologize.

At the same time, apologies are not sufficient.

Only a concentrated effort to exert self control is. Do what ever you need to do--count to ten, walk away, put it on paper, but DON'T open your mouth if you can't control what comes out of it.

(Okay, can you tell I'm angry right now with someone I love?)

Is there anybody out there?

I just found out a friend of mine has read this blog (Yeah!!!). Has anyone else? (Please leave a comment if you have!)

I remember thinking about this when I was in college--about how I wanted to know how others saw me (okay, here I want to know if others read me...). I thought it would help me "see" myself. This came from something I learned in a philosophy class. We discussed how you see things differently from different angles. We used the example of a table in a room, with windows on one side. The color of the table (due to shadow and light), the length of the table, etc.--all this could appear differently depending on where you stood in the room. At the same time, there was a common "core" that they all saw. I wanted to know what my core was, at least to others.

Let's not forget the story about The Blind Men and the Elephant (or an equally great episode of All in the Family), both of which show how people can disagree about the same exact thing, based upon individual perspective, experience, thought patterns and even personal bias.

The summer after college, my friend Amy and I were each in Israel. We decided to go to Greece together for a few weeks, and took a cruise ship out of Haifa (cheapie tickets--we slept on the deck!). At the port in Haifa, we met these two guys and decided to travel together, at least to Athens and Mykonos. One day we went to an art gallery, and one of the guys was curious to see which pieces of art I liked and why. He never told me what conclusions he drew from the choices I made, but I always wanted to know. Insecurity? Perhaps. Sort of like with the "Slam Books" we used to make in 6th grade, where we'd ask kids to sign in (with a code name) and answer all kinds of opinion questions about classmates and whatever. I used to think that knowing others' opinons of me would give me a firmer grasp on knowing myself.

There was also an episode of Fantasy Island, it might have been the pilot, where the need to know others' thoughts was carried out to an extreme. Someone wanted to stage and then attend her own funeral (in disguise) to find out what people had to say about her. I remember she dressed up as a hotel maid, but can't remember if she was surprised or not at what they had to say. Still, the idea is very intriguing.

Anyway, if you're out there...please let me know! Thanks!

Lesson No. 7 - Make a list; check it twice

No, this has nothing to do with Christmas, but everything to do with planning and executing anything in life.

Say, for instance, you're planning a cruise out of Miami and you're flying down to Florida several days before. Make sure you have your passports together with the tickets, before you leave for the airport, and not when you get to the pier.

That's today's lesson...

By the way, the two corollaries to this lesson are "Don't cry over spilt milk," and "When you're given lemons in life, make lemonade."

Something worth reading

There's a book which I've found very useful in understanding the ways that men and women communicate differently: You Just Don't Understand.

Really a great book. The linguistics professor who wrote it, Dr. Deborah Tannen, studied the differences between men and women. Our language and our behaviors are related. Women's preferences for consensus and men's for competition & one-upping come out in how we speak to others. The book explains a lot. Doesn't excuse it, but helps one make sense of the other gender's approach to all kinds of situations.

p.s. This entry is not a follow-up to the last one. Taking out your issues on others has nothing to do with gender, but with a lack of self-control.

Lesson No. 6 - Catching Flies

A message can get lost when the delivery gets in the way.

I've seen adults - who I think should know better - speak rudely to others, usually those close to them, when they are dissatisfied or when they would like for the other's behavior to change.

It ain't gonna happen. And not only because it's not in our power to change other people.

No one can listen when he or she has first has to hear insults, disrespectful words, or sarcasm. I know when I am being hurt, I shut my ears and tune out anything that follows. All I can hear are the insults, the mean words.

My ex- used to begin sentences with "The problem with you is..." or he'd ask "Why don't you ever...?" UGH. These kind of statements would never make me want to change anything (except the husband!). Accusations and generalizations alienate the listener. It's like yelling at an infant to stop crying. It's more of a way for you to vent your frustration than to help the other achieve your goal for him or her.

Good intent may exist, but it gets lost in the way the message is conveyed. Your word choice may even be fine, but use the wrong tone of voice, and everything is lost...We don't need to honeycoat our words, but we certainly cannot use vinegar, if we want people to hear what we want them to know.

People who utilize hurtful words (or adults who yell at children) are those who have no control over themselves or over the situation at hand. That's all there is to it. Yes, they may be in their own pain or they may be frustrated or angry at something. But taking it out on others will not help the situation; it will not achieve the desired changed behavior.

I can't imagine anyone would ever willingly hand over control to someone who is rude or disrespectful. Those that give in, though, likely do so out of fear of repercussions or because they've just given up. There is no winning here. One who utilizes hurt or threats when trying to control another does not gain respect; he or she loses it.

I think respect is key. Would you talk to a boss, a co-worker, a clerk in a store in the same manner as you speak to a family member or a subordinate? Would you speak to someone else's assistant, spouse or child in the same way you speak to your own? Don't the ones you love and the ones who answer to you merit the same respect you show others?

One of the other lessons I learned from my failed marriage is that spouses are partners (and not competitors). They're on the same team and should share the same goals and the same desire to see each other - and their marriage - succeed. This requires thinking before speaking. It requires thinking not only about one's own self, but about your partner/siblings/children/subordinates, and of the effect your words have on them.

Lesson No. 5 - Continued

We've already established that expectations need to be made clear in order for them to be met. For the sake of clarity, I'm revisiting the topic...

"Clear expectations" means as part of my responsibilities as education chair of organization X, I need to be told that I should open each board meeting with an tidbit from which we can draw a lesson. It is wrong to make the assumption that I already know this if I've never held the position before.

It also means as parent/part-time taxi driver in the family, I need to be asked (nicely, please!) to drive whichever son to school early, after he's stated a desire/need to go in before the first bell rings. It is a mistake to assume that I'm available. (Is this a good time to remind that a thank you afterwards would be nice?)

And it means as a proposal designer/editor of sorts (where the broker team and I hand off the proposal during the process of putting it together), I need to be kept informed, not only as to the team's progress, but also as to what and when I should next expect to see an updated version of the document. It is unwise (and uncourteous) to proceed as if those whom you need in order to complete your work have no other projects going on.

These examples all point to the folly, not only when you assume (yes, we all know all about that word) facts which may not be true, but also when you don't think about things from start to finish (as I mentioned in my last entry). This is essential, especially if you are delegating, working with others (paid or volunteer), or even asking someone for a favor.

Let 'em know what they need to know in order to decide if they want to do it. And let 'em know what they need to know so that they can get the job done.

The examples also point to another downside of poor communications - disrespect. When you misuse another's time, whether intentionally or not, you are not respecting the value of his or her time. And when others wind up wasting time in trying to complete a task for you, their desire to help out "next time" will undoubtedly be diminished.

It boils down to Hillel's golden rule, "Do not do unto others as you would not have them do unto you." Think about how you would want to be treated.

My mother taught me, "Be nice." I'd like to add, "Be clear."

Lesson No. 5 - Huh?

I'm touching on something very basic today, and may return another day to go more into depth.

When managers, parents, presidents and other leaders express expectations clearly, chances for success increase dramatically. When they don't, not only do goals go unmet, but team, family, and organization members are often left frustrated...frustrated not only at the leaders, but at themselves for not being able to accomplish whatever the leader had envisioned.

Most people want to succeed. But poorly communicated instructions, expectations, explanations make it difficult.

A document from a company's recent Request for Proposal (RFP) that I worked on was very specific in what it wanted. At the same time, the wording was not very clear. This made me nervous. We had to be sure to give them what they wanted. (The team declined to ask for clarification or guidance. Interestingly enough, since answers to questions would be shared, we also know that none of our competition asked anything either.)

I can think of examples -- from family life or from the organizations I volunteer with -- where communications weren't clear enough. Inevitably, this led to dissatisfaction on all sides. When has this happened to you?

Just as when we are asked to do something and we want to know exactly what, when we ask others to do something for us, whether professionally or personally, we need to choose our words carefully. Even more importantly, perhaps, we need to think in a thorough manner, thnking everything through from start to finish, to make sure all aspects are covered and that there is no room for misunderstanding. It is always helpful to put yourself in your reader's or listener's place.

And of course, it's always a good thing to convey that you are happy to clarify, should the need arise.

Questions, anyone?