Update on my life, my mother's health

This Thursday is my mother's heart surgery; it will take about six hours. Today I read up on what to expect afterwards--what's allowed and not. I called my mother to tell her that for six weeks she cannot drive a car, but can be a passenger. Even more importantly, I told her, she cannot ride a bicycle or a motorcycle. We laughed. She can't do either of those things now, and certainly has no interest in getting on a Harley!

For the last few weeks, I've been stuffed up a bit, and have even felt a heavines in my chest the last week or so, affecting my breathing. I mentioned it on my facebook status, and quite a few people guessed that I was having an anxiety attack. Nope. It's bronchitis, and I'm now on antibiotics and steroids. It's wonderful discovering that things that I'm afraid might be in my head aren't.

Like a few weeks ago, I went to a University's Eye Center since for the last year my eyes have not been working together well, especially when I read. When I was young, I suffered from lazy eye in both eyes, and this was similar, I guess, although I don't remember ever having focussing issues. I went to an opthamologist a number of months back, and he told me I was getting old and need reading glasses, but to put off if I could. Then I went to my optometrist, thinking maybe my contacts weren't settling properly in my eyes when I shifted from looking at soemthing far to something closer, and we really spent almost two months trying out different lenses. But within a few weeks, it was happening again. So, off to the University.

I was diagnosed with Convergence Insufficiency. It means my eyes don't come together. The problem isn't with the eyes, but the muscles around them. I now do computer-based exercises. And if they don't work, I will need surgery. What thrills me about this, is that they may serve as an explanation for the headaches I've been having for the last few years. Not migraines. Not iron-deficient-anemia related (although my iron is low again). But muscle strain. And this means they will go away when my eyes are fixed.

It's not in my head.

So...Wednesday I leave for New York, and my husband will watch the boys for the ten days I am gone. I just hope they all get along well and that everything goes smoothly.

Well, I must go do my exercises tonight, before heading off to never never land.

A ray of light on the horizon

We're beginning to work on a compromise, and an understanding, but we're not all the way there yet.

New Year already at an all-time low

I'm afraid it's all over. And what kills me is that it didn't have to be this way.

I so don't want to put the kids through this again. They've already weathered one divorce and being uprooted and brought to an unknown place. And the truth is, that they've done an admirable job of adapting and even flourishing. It wouldn't be fair to subject them to any of that again.

Without someone to talk to, it's all bottled up inside. It would be nice to be able to speak to him about everything, but conversations aren't productive and snowball into ugly all too often. Much as I want to be able to unload, I cannot speak to anyone close to either one of us, as I don't want to permanently darken anyone's opinion, should we be able to work this out. And so I keep it inside.

The thought crossed my mind of being able to use this blog. Isn't that what it's for? But much as I aim to not reveal identifying details, those who know of this blog through me outnumber any other kind of reader, I imagine. And so, I would give too much away.

I'm about to cry again, and don't want to--not in front of the kids who are playing Guitar Hero in the very same room (one son bought it for another, for his birthday--I am so glad they like each other and enjoy each other's company so much...). Let me go check on the third, who's in another room...

Happy New Year.