Lesson No. 6 - Catching Flies

A message can get lost when the delivery gets in the way.

I've seen adults - who I think should know better - speak rudely to others, usually those close to them, when they are dissatisfied or when they would like for the other's behavior to change.

It ain't gonna happen. And not only because it's not in our power to change other people.

No one can listen when he or she has first has to hear insults, disrespectful words, or sarcasm. I know when I am being hurt, I shut my ears and tune out anything that follows. All I can hear are the insults, the mean words.

My ex- used to begin sentences with "The problem with you is..." or he'd ask "Why don't you ever...?" UGH. These kind of statements would never make me want to change anything (except the husband!). Accusations and generalizations alienate the listener. It's like yelling at an infant to stop crying. It's more of a way for you to vent your frustration than to help the other achieve your goal for him or her.

Good intent may exist, but it gets lost in the way the message is conveyed. Your word choice may even be fine, but use the wrong tone of voice, and everything is lost...We don't need to honeycoat our words, but we certainly cannot use vinegar, if we want people to hear what we want them to know.

People who utilize hurtful words (or adults who yell at children) are those who have no control over themselves or over the situation at hand. That's all there is to it. Yes, they may be in their own pain or they may be frustrated or angry at something. But taking it out on others will not help the situation; it will not achieve the desired changed behavior.

I can't imagine anyone would ever willingly hand over control to someone who is rude or disrespectful. Those that give in, though, likely do so out of fear of repercussions or because they've just given up. There is no winning here. One who utilizes hurt or threats when trying to control another does not gain respect; he or she loses it.

I think respect is key. Would you talk to a boss, a co-worker, a clerk in a store in the same manner as you speak to a family member or a subordinate? Would you speak to someone else's assistant, spouse or child in the same way you speak to your own? Don't the ones you love and the ones who answer to you merit the same respect you show others?

One of the other lessons I learned from my failed marriage is that spouses are partners (and not competitors). They're on the same team and should share the same goals and the same desire to see each other - and their marriage - succeed. This requires thinking before speaking. It requires thinking not only about one's own self, but about your partner/siblings/children/subordinates, and of the effect your words have on them.